Still in control.

 And the anti depressant is still in the medicine drawer.

First really good news is that Pat, Weaver of Grass is heading home soon and oh wow.

In the morning I had my carer visit.  One who does not come regularly.  I stopped being anxious.  Had no idea when she was coming with all the mix ups with the care company.  But I was ready and prepared.  She even managed my hair wash as quick as I like it.  All good.

After lunch the Prom.

What would I do without the Prom.  Well I do not have to do without.  

The Gull Gang where the Kessock Burn flows into the sea.

Boats on the sea and one on the Boat lift in the harbour for repairs or tarting up.

So many sea birds!  Herring Gulls, Redshank, Turnstone, Oystercatchers.  Wonderful.  Lots to paint too.  

I walked the full walk to the Kessock Burn and then to the Blue Buoy.  Back to the car.  Quite a few chats today too.  It is the chat that makes me breathless!  But also makes me happy.

Positives.  All positives.

Then a chat online with second daughter and her two boys.  4 and 1.  Smiles.

😊

Taking control.

I loved Tom Stephenson's post about setting aside time to worry.  15 minutes get your worrying over.  I am trying really hard not to worry about things I can do nothing about.

The antidepressant pill was collected today by the DP from the pharmacist.  She said I could drink my red wine.  Only worry she had was I would be drowsy but as its low dosage and to be taken before bedtime she was not concerned.  

My family were justly concerned but there is a limit to not curtailing the few pleasures I have, red wine being one of them.  

So I have girded up my loins and when I become anxious to ask myself can you do anything about this?  If the answer is yes, do it, if not forget it.  Be a few 15 minutes there at first Tom.

For a start the anxiety over the pill.  I am not taking it tonight.  I will read the leaflet in the packet - not Google - tomorrow and then decide.

So away for the anxiety ridding Prom.

Just look at that view.

No wind today.  I walked a bit but not the full walk as along the way I was chatting.  One friend I met announced she had Covid but was now out of isolating.  I still took a few steps back.  For once I wished it was windy  blowing her full in the face.

Boats.

I see you.

The Gull Gang meeting place.

A few people and a dog.

Four o clock and the sun goes down.

Much more positive.  Thanks for all your support.  And Tom for making me think.  Taking control can be done.

Windy Wednesday.

 Very windy.

My counselling session with my G.P. did not go well.  After a few questions and answers I was told a prescription would be sent to the pharmacist for  Lorezepan.  I said I did not want drugs.

After googling it I definitely don't want it.

The Prom.

We havent had a wobbly video for some time!

No words.

Goodnight.

Tuesday I got through.

Carer came and washed me, creamed me, dressed me.  We did no hair washing as time was up.  Then hearing aids in and sat by the phone.  Head of the Respiratory Clinic.  Question and answers from both sides.  They can do no more for me.  He will ask the Oxygen team to speak to me.

I prefer honesty and I got it.

If it were not for COVID stopping me I would just carry on.  Seeing my friends, seeing my family.  Not sure what to do now.  Carry on I guess as well as I am able.

Tomorrow I put in the hearing aids so I can hear my GP and listen to what he has to say to help me through the anxieties that appear from nowhere.  

Here is where I can breathe, can walk, can feel good.

 My soul sings here too.  So I will battle on.

A strange day.

Farcical day.  Email and phone call from  Care Company.  Apologies.  "It wasn't me it was....... and shes on holiday..... "  Okay.

Anyway seem to be sorted and back on my agreed times.  So I can have my telephone consultation with the consultant tomorrow.  All clean and dressed!

Then I had a complete melt down with the receptionist at the doctors surgery re the blood tests.  Resulting in a phone call from the paramedic I often deal with.  A satisfactory explanation of what is going on.  Apparently I have more red blood cells than most people.  ?  To be rechecked beginning of December.  She also made an appointment on the telephone for counselling on the anxiety with my chosen favourite GP.

Then the new foot woman did not turn up.  She later contacted me to say she had turned up but no-one answered the door.  Not sure which house she had gone to as we were in.

We did go out over an hour after the foot appointment.

An improvement in the weather.  Still misty here and there but better visibility.

Gull Gang.

Not many people.  The beach.

Now an Oystercatcher overload!

I am now calmer.

I have a new appointment with the foot lady.  I shall be on high alert!

Murky Sunday.

 The DP was away out very early.  Hence him being called the Dawn Patroller.  He went to the Loch of Strathbeg, our local RSPB bird reserve.

Some of the birds he saw.  Including these very dark Pheasants.

After lunch despite the gloomy weather we went to the Prom.

Tide coming in.

I have enhanced some of these photographs.

Not many people.

What it was really like.  I had a very short walk.  Did some sea breathing and then back to the car as there was also spitty rain.

Better tomorrow.

Warning - a rant.

 The care company who send me the carers twice a week - well.  The carers all moan about the 'office'  forgetting their holidays. etc.

I was beginning to think they had their act together when I started to receive rotas of who was coming.  It was agreed long ago that I have a carer visit Tuesdays and Fridays 10.30 til 11. 30.

Supposed to have a permanent carer when possible.  My usual one is on holiday next week.  So my rota arrives with details of her replacement.  Now I plan other things round the carers.  Like consultant appointments.  Next week I have a telephone consultation with the consultant which I arranged for 11.20 from the times offered.  Both days times for the carer have been changed to 11 til 12.  So I say that is not possible.  Explain why.  No response.

It is actions like this which send me into meltdown.

Peace at the Prom.

Surfers.  Boats.  The beach.

Weather was amazing.  Not cold, no wind, not much sun but some.  I walked.  Had a few chats.  Feeling good.

Had a few text messages from carers who knew I would be stressed.  Between them and not the office they have sorted me.  They are CARERS.  Unlike their employers.  

Well done America.  

I can still have a laugh.