In Scotland it is still a legal requirement to have a Home Report done by a surveyor before putting your home on the market.
And you have to pay for it before it is carried out. Over £500 this time. Three years ago we paid just over £200 for our previous 7 bedroomed half an acre garden property. Hey ho.
What you get is really quite hysterically funny.
The chimneys and the roof and the gutters are examined with binoculars. (I have yet to see any surveyor with a pair ....) There is a lot of "Unable to view due to floorcoverings" "Furniture" and "Loft insulation." Oh really?
Then there are the scary HINTS. Possible woodworm activity. i.e. the staircase in this house is the same age as the house built in 1870 so it is bound to have wood worm.
It really is money for old rope.
Fortunately, having gone through all this with our previous home we are quite good at seeing through all the doom and gloom on prospective properties. Flat roofs are prone to collapsing without warning. Apparently. Even when they have just been put there.....
Then you get the energy report. Which tells you about loft insulation (got) thermostats in radiators (got) etc. etc. how much you could save on your energy bills if you did . Havent actually noticed to be honest.
The biggie is that the surveyor values your house. At which point you kill him.
Deep breaths, not easy with shot lungs.
And a partner with an infected throat, he is banished to the spare room.
We look round and see what needs doing to present our house in its best possible light. Well, I have wafted a paint brush round.
On the left behind the fireside tools, is where the plumber made a very large hole. Now boarded back up and after much scrambling round in the garage I found the tin of paint which matched!!!! Why do I never write on 'kitchen', 'sitting room' et al? Also covered up all fat splashes round cooker and skid marks from cats sliding down from windowsills.
Then one looks at the potential future home.
Sod the HOME REPORT.